We should have put Neji in a dress like I said
by Casualeio
Summary: It seems as if all the girls in the village have disappeared...except for Tenten. Is it foul play or a secret holiday? The boys and a bitter Tenten won't rest until the question is answered.
1. Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility

It had been an unusually quiet morning in the leafy village and Shikamaru, in all his genius, could not pinpoint the reason. He went along with his normal routine with the microscopic nagging feeling in the back of his mind. Somehow he had managed to spend four entire hours watching the clouds go by until Chouji insisted on an early lunch through which Chouji gobbled without reprimand. It was almost as if something was missing.

Shikamaru and Chouji were not the only ones who felt a disturbance in their daily routine. Sasuke had noticed a certain amount of attention had not been garnished on him and his teammate had yet to suffer a contusion. Shino was left to his insect collection without ramifications. Contrary to prior thoughts the boys didn't like it, except for Shino who loved it.

Boys of all ages found themselves oddly undisturbed. It was Kiba who finally solved the mystery at dinner; there had not been a twin pair of X chromosomes around all day. Ino wasn't around to nag Shikamaru to do something or get Chouji to stop stuffing his face and Sakura was absent to whack Naruto over the head for a dumb remark.

Nagging, come-ons, and blunt traumas had dropped significantly throughout the village, it was a good day.

It was not so great three days later. As Shikamaru explained to the other boys, it was The Law of Diminishing Marginal Utility, more or less, the more of something is experienced then the less it is enjoyed. Kiba and Shino openly missed the small squeaks and nervous habits of Hinata while Naruto tried in vain to get Sasuke to admit the same about their pink haired companion, he refused to admit but everyone knew secretly he did.

One of their old classmates hypothesized the girls had gone on a trip and ergo why they were missing. It was farfetched. Certainly the girls would have droned on about it, though truth be told, the boys had developed the ability to white noise a lot of what the girls said.

No one knew why the girls were gone. No one knew where they _all_ were. They just weren't there.

The typical group of boys was huddled around a mountain of barbecued ribs for lunch seven days after their initial discovery. They first gorged themselves on food and threw thrift to the wind but now they pecked like hens with the exception of Chouji who ate double in his distress.

"I am starting to worry." Chouji, admitted mid rib.

"I miss the way Hinata did that nervous finger thing." Kiba sighed, repeating said action.

"I even miss how Sakura hits." Naruto said wistfully.

"I'm glad." Sasuke said it but knew it wasn't necessarily true.

Shikamaru remained silent but thought on how he missed the shrill nagging of Ino. It wasn't something he was willing to share but he missed it just the same.

"It dosen't add up." Shino said fifteen minutes after; his shoulders slumped in a reflective way.

Ten eyes fell on the dark glasses of Shino, waiting for him to continue. At first it seemed as if he had no follow up until two minutes later,

"If the girls had told us they were leaving, we would know. Even the denser of us," He looked at Naruto but the boy didn't know, "Would have remembered."

"That's a bit Melodramatic." The rest agreed with Kiba.

"I am not sure what it means, but the excuse Sanosuke gave was," Shino paused, "illogical."

"I need more pork." Chouji sighed into his plate.

Shikamaru, who had been in the corner, thinking and doing that odd habit with his hands that bothered Ino, spoke up, "He's right."

Kiba dropped a semi-devoured rib, "I find they're too greasy."

Shikamaru remained silent for a moment before he threw a bone at him, "_Shino_ is right. No one knows where they are; it is as thought they just disappeared."

"What? Like there's foul play involved?"

A sudden out pour of voices filled the booth, dismissing the idea. Everyone spoke highly of their own girl as if her honor was at stake,

"That's ridiculous! She's strong!"

"They couldn't take Ino if we handed her to them with a bow."

"I believe in Sakura! Yeah!"

"Shut up and sit down, Naruto."

"They may have put up a fight and lost. Maybe they did take off into the sunset for a secret holiday." Shikamaru said with a shrug, "It's just an estimate."

Naruto jumped from his seat with a pound of his fist, swearing he was wrong. He then listed the ways he believed in his female teammate with one blue sandal on the tabletop. Naruto's passionate speech riled up the entire restaurant though some patrons weren't sure why. Only Shikamaru and the restaurant's manager, who found the display largely unnecessary, weren't moved.

"I'll show you your 'estimate' is wrong! Yeah!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, jumping off the table, as the other boys shouted and followed him out the door like a blond Pied Piper.

Shikamaru regretted opening his mouth as the waiter slipped the check on the table.

Three hours later the passionate blond returned to the lazy prodigy with nothing. Sakura's home showed no sign of forced enter or struggle, her diary no plans of travel but plenty of heart breaking entries on how stupid Naruto was. The same results occurred for Kiba and Shino who were still a bit jumpy after a near run in with Hinata's father who scared the two witless, and Chouji. Had he been a lesser man, Shikamaru might have entertained the idea of gloating.

"I told you it was just an estimate. What's more you made an ass of yourselves in that parade you left the restaurant in."

Chiding them gave him the same trill of pleasure

"There're still no girls." Kiba put his chin on his fist.

With a sigh, Chouji opened a fresh bag of chips, "No girls."

Shiakmaru rolled his eyes at such a depressing display. Then a voice rang out. It was a familiar tone but exotic, being much higher than any they had heard in the last week. A few almost could not place the voice to a face or why they were so excited until the body was insight.

It was Tenten, it was a girl.

She, Neji, and Lee had been off on a mission for almost two weeks so she didn't understand why Chouji pulled her into a bear hug. It was nice but confused the hell out of her.

* * *

Enjoy, freshly re-edited just for _you_. Why? 'Cause I love you, that's why.


	2. One of the Guys

Chouji was a nice guy but he had never showed much attention to her before. She was confused. So were her teammates who began to advance upon the portly boy after his hold begun to run indecently long. Luckily it was Tenten who broke the embrace. She stood awkwardly, eyeing faces which starred back at her so intensely. When she moved to speak the boys moved closer for a better listen and she lost her nerve. Only Lee and Neji retained some semblance of their usual character. What had happened?

"Hi." It was all she could manage without sounding thoroughly freaked out.

The largest boy in the cast moved in for another hug but a swift green streak pulled her away. She didn't understand it. They were freakishly silent and way too glad to see her. She wasn't that special. Tenten didn't like Lee's protective stance. She hated it. Tenten wasn't a damsel in distress; she probably could handle more than half of them just fine.

"What's going on?" her teammate with the thick brows asks for her.

Glances shifted from one boy to the next like they were in some sort of silent conference. The smarter of the bunch received the most imploring looks until finally Shikamaru spoke up in a lazy drawl,

"You're the first girl we've seen in a week."

"What?"

"They're just not here. Everyone, every girl that is, is just not here!" Chouji grabbed a fistful of chips.

"But I'm here." She reasoned dumbly.

"We can see that." Kiba nodded.

She suddenly felt like a piece of meat or something in that vein as they watched her fiddle with her sleeve. Tenten's apparel rested comfortably on a scale between glorified underwear and a shapeless sack and her gender was recognizable by her silhouette without cut outs or short hems. And yes, she was trim, well her job required it, but she didn't think it was a wildly impressive figure. The boys, however, seemed to have another idea. Maybe they didn't mean to come off lecherous, if what they said was true (which probably wasn't), but she still had a strong desire to drop kick at least one person's teeth in.

Crossing her arms to both cover herself and show her displeasure, she told them she didn't believe them. They proceeded to tell her the whole story, a long winded version by Naruto and a simplified one by Sasuke. All the girls apparently just up and left the village with no rhyme or reason, except Tenten, of course, who had been on a mission. She was still unconvinced.

"Why'd they just up and go?"

Like the boys, Tenten couldn't fathom why. Actually, she wasn't really in that circle of girls, she didn't know a lot of what happened with them. She only was civil and made small, easy conversation with them. Tenten had no close female friends; Lee was the closest thing she had to one.

"I-I can't be sure." It was better than saying 'I don't know' or a shrug. But she really did not know.

Her answer disappointed them. They had expected a wave of her hand and explain an elaborate plot, a coy shrug, or anything but 'I don't know'. Scathing disappointment radiated from the group and Tenten was reminded of her mother. Chouji sighed and fisted more chips into his mouth. She fiddled with her sleeves again and looked for anything resembling a clock.

"I'm going to go and-" Well, she was going to take a shower but hell if she was going to advertise it to a group of adolescent boys who hadn't seen breasts (Chouji's excluded) in a week, "-Go home."

The sound of thunder followed her for three steps and the group of boys was the same distance away as they had been before. She took another step and so did they.

"I'll be fine! Go back to…your lives." She waved them off with a cheery grin masking her extreme agitation.

This time when she moved again, only her teammates moved and she had to reiterate flatly, "I'll be fine."

Lee and Neji nodded and she made her escape quickly, trying not to think about what just happened. It was just weird. Tenten had always thought she knew boys better than most girls because she was "one of the guys." But apparently she didn't' it know the first thing about them. Was it mass food poisoning, alien mind control? Could it be devil possession? Maybe they _were_ just bored and decided to play a joke on her. What Jerks!

The more she thought of it the more it puzzled her, why _would_ all the girls just vanish without a word? They probably were at some spa or something girly and she was not invited because she was not… because she was on a mission. So what? They get pedicures and she becomes a better fighter. That was just fine with Tenten, just fine…

Her pace slowed to a brisk but enjoyable pace as her thoughts turned to less urgent things now that she was sure they were just playing a lame joke. She almost forgot about it until she heard crunching sounds and artfully dodged dog poop.

"This isn't a joke, Tenten ."


End file.
